The Ballad of Little Nell


Farmer: Twas a dark and stormy night when my Nelly went away, And I’ll never forget her till my dying day. She was sweet 16 and the village queen, And the prettiest trick that the village ever seen. The farm ain't the same since my Nelly went away, The rooster died and the hens won't lay. But in this window I’ll put a light, 40 below zero, gosh what a night. (Knocking at door) Who’s that a-knocking at my door? (Nell enters with a swaddled baby) Nell: It’s your own Little Nell, don’t you know me any more? Farmer: What happened to that actor guy who used to call you Honey? Did he send you home when you hadn’t any money? Nell: Oh, he’s a slick town guy and he lies with ease, And he’s got more money than a dog has fleas. He left me on a night when I was most forlorn, The very same night my little Dumbell was born. Farmer: Is that there Dummy? Nell: Well it ain’t no other. Farmer: He’s the very spitting image of his gosh-darned mother. But you can't stay here with that there child. Nell: Father dear, Father dear, you’re driving me wild. (Enter villain twirling moustache) Villain: Hoity Toity, me proud beauty, Give me back me Dummy or I’ll do me duty. Farmer: If you interfere you're just as good as dead, ’Cause I'll get my old shotgun out and I’ll fill you full of lead. Villain: But I can do you heaps of harm, ‘Cause I hold the mortgage on your gosh-darned farm. (Villain reveals a scroll) (Farmer and Nell gasp) Nell: He’s got us where he wants us Pa, that dirty rotter. Villain: Give me back my Dummy. Nell: Your Dummy? Villain: My Dummy. Nell: Your Dummy? Villain: My Dummy. (Sound of hooves) Farmer: Who’s this a-comin?, it sounds like a mule. (Enter Constable wearing a huge star for a badge) Constable: I ain’t no mule you gosh-darned fool, Can’t you tell by me badge, I’m the constibule. What's going on here? Come on now and tell. Farmer: Well he ain’t done right by my Little Nell. Villain: Yes I have. Farmer: You have not. Villain: Yes I have. Farmer: You have not. Constable: What's this harm that he's brung on you? Farmer: Well, he wrecked my farm, and he ruined my daughter. Constable: Reckon we ought to fine him ‘bout a dollar and a quarter. Cast: Which all goes to show the price of sin, Tomorrow night we will play “East Lynn”.